Stuck in your patterns explained better.. hopefully

Hi!

I just came from my vacation in Norway and Denmark and I have been thinking about my last post. I tried to express the idea that I believe that we can get stuck in our own routines, rituals and thinking patterns that there is probably no way out until you happen upon someone or something that slowly influences you until you become a different person. After writing and rewriting that post for two hours, I think I still did not manage to capture what I had in mind, so I am going to try again.

What I have been trying to describe is the awareness that comes from a break from your routine. It can come from either going on vacation, hanging out with someone or just having a cold and thinking about how good you had it when you were able to breathe. It can also be the moment when you realize you can use your kitchen table to fold laundry on it instead of breaking your back on the floor or bed like you have been doing for the last two years. It can be the moment when you realize you can have chicken nuggets with fries for dinner or just skip it entirely. It can be the moment when you do the most random things that you normally wouldn't do. 

My question is... how do we get more of these moments and especially ones that change us long term? For instance, how does someone go from worrying about keeping their home perfectly clean all the time to realizing that they don't need to? How does one go from having a messy home to realizing that they can keep a home clean, but it takes time to learn how to do it and build routines and that it is okay to take it slowly? How does one go from hating the idea of biking because they cannot ride a bike to realizing it is never too late to learn to ride a bike and enjoy it? 

In my previous post I said that we would need to be consistently surrounded by people with different lives than us until we get influenced into a new direction. I still believe that that may be the fastest way of achieving this, but I now also believe that being on the look out for inspiration, trying out new things just for the sake of it and maybe questioning the things that cause us distress may at least point us into the right direction.

Stuck in your own patterns (clickbait? Dunno)

There is a thing that I have had on my mind for a while now. When I moved to Germany with my mom, we lived in the same household until I was 27 years old. I will be writing about what it was like to live with my parents in another post, but the reasons why I took so long to move out pretty much circle around finances, language barriers and navigating life in a new country not being something very easy, especially for my Romanian mom and later her partner too. 

My parents are quite simple people who don't really do much apart from working and stressing over everything. Living with them meant that I became just like them. I would freak out about every little thing, be anxious all the time and make fun of anything that was atypical of me. "Oh you are out there climbing mountains or crocheting? Pfff I would never do something like that! Just buy a blanket or go sit by a lake or something". To that now I say "who asked?" Why would I just discourage people from doing what they wanted just because I wouldn't do it? Why would I feel the need to justify my not doing the same thing another person does?

Unfortunately, life in Romania kind of was like this. I cannot really blame anyone for it. When everyone stresses out about everything, worries about what other people say and discourages you from change, you end up like this. There are obviously exceptions and not everyone cares or dislikes the same things, but you get the idea. If this sort of mindset has not died down on its own throughout generations, it is clear to me that it is something you can just be stuck in without realizing you don't have to live this way. 

Whenever I met my boyfriend, a lot of things changed. He was, and still is, a pretty chill person and would not stress over every little thing like I did. He cares about "worldly things" like art, fancy dinners, owning slightly more expensive things, looking good or just trying out something new. Don't get me wrong, he is not some posh bougie person who would scream and faint at the sight of fries, chicken nuggets and mini pizza bites from the freezer on our dinner table. We actually don't even have a dinner table. We eat at our desks and that was actually our dinner once as you can see; and yes it tasted as "good" as it looks, lol. Anyway, he just likes indulging in a little something sometimes or learning and experiencing new things.  

Eventually I learned to stress less and enjoy life more just because and without any excuse. There is a phrase that Germans use all the time to justify doing anything for themselves and that is "man gönnt sich ja sonst nie was". Literally translated this means "one does not grant themselves anything otherwise anyway". Who says German words are long now, huh? Anyway, a more suitable English translation would probably be "you rarely do something nice for yourself anyway", so you might as well do it now... and now... and now. 

The reason why I am mentioning all of this is because I feel like no matter how many videos I'd watched, books I'd read, reflected on a better life or interacted with people who live "better" or more enjoyable lives, I would have never gotten to this point in my life without an "external person" being around me daily and influencing me into this direction. 

This makes me wonder, what if I had never met my partner? What if I had met someone just like me or "worse"? What am I missing out on right now and what person do I need to come across next in order to experience it? Just to be clear, I am not talking about doing more of something or having more opportunities or money to do things because of one person, but actually going through a change in perspective, in your thought patterns, I suppose, pretty much becoming a different person than you are today.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what to do to have more eye opening experiences like these. I think we need consistent awkwardness, discomfort and anxiety in our lives this, but it is not easy. Any identity changes will be met with resistance from your peers and probably even from your subconscious. Consistency is definitely the key because you are also fighting against yourself and will eventually give up because "this new person is not me" or "I just cannot this! This would be so unpredictable of me to do!." In case of an external person, you kind of have no choice but to be influenced and you can sort of blame them for your change in behavior. You are doing something that is not typical of you because of this other person even if it is something you have always wanted to do. 

So yeah, I dunno. Always try out new things that you don't care about? Be the odd one out there? Make a list? Journal? Become hated or be a hater? Don't do anything and live your life the way it is now because it's pretty good the way it is anyway? No idea, but it's definitely something to think about...

Note: I think I have been writing and rewriting this post for like two hours now. LOL. The current post looks nothing like what it looked like an hour ago, so, I hope you have enjoyed every little l e t t e r because I have been meaning to go make myself a sandwich for an hour now and my tea is already cold because I forgot about it. If something does not make sense, too bad, I guess. My ass is WET from sitting here because it's 30C here and I don't have AC. 

My hand me does bad

Ma main me fait mal... or in normal English, my hand hurts today because I used it intensively for like probably a total of five entire minutes.

I know what you're thinking and you should get your head out of the gutter because God is watching you read this very post and is already judging your for it... or maybe (singular-)they are judging me for this post. 

The reason why my hand hurts today is because I decided to do something that I do not regularly do anymore. Back in the day, when I was a young child (shout out to all old children?!),  I would always be caught with this thing in my hand (you're helpless...) that I believe was or is still called a pen. I would use it a lot in school, at home, in the park, everywhere, to write something down, kind of like I am doing it now on my blog, but less fast and using fewer fingers and even fewer hands. Although, now that I think about it, when I type on my phone, I actually use fewer fingers now! Wow, take that, school! 

I actually still remember one of my teachers complaining about the increasing use of computers by my generation and how "we will all forget how to write by hand and instead only be typing". I thought that that was the stupidest thing a boomer could have said because back then Facebook (or meta, MAGA, littlezucksocialmedia or whatever it is called now) didn't really exist and because it would have been completely impractical to walk around with your desktop computer. I mean sure, you could use a laptop, if you were so rich and fancy, but why would you want lug that heavy thing around with you(rself?) just to write down a grocery list or some note that you will immediately forget about?

Ummm... well, that aged like milk. Yummy! Now that phones exist and we can use our two little thumbs (or BUG THUNBS) to write down everything we need, there are times when I have not held a pen and written anything down by hand in weeks. Yes, weeks, not even days. This kind of reminds me of when I used to make fun of gen z wanting to get a text before getting a call or being unable to read an analog clock... Anyway, please do not call me (without texting me first).

I have been struggling to learn French for years now because I was not happy with the idea of moaning in public while I speak. I am not that scared of the grammar, the spelling is readable, the words are not easy to spell, but the nasal vowels are a nightmare for me. However, since plenty of languages use them and I could have almost always used French on some of my trips and vacations, I decided that this year I was going to learn some French! 

Anyway, now it is June 20th and I have barely done anything expect for listening to music and watching a video here and there. Since I can speak Romanian, English and a few words of Spanish, I can skip the actual learning part and dive into consuming content. Yes, this way of learning is annoying, time-consuming and very disappointing at times, but it has worked for me before, so here I am doing it again. Wait, did it even work, if I am doing it again? Anyway... 

I will spare you the boring details, but the tl;dr version of this is that I subscribed to a German magazine for French learning which contains lots of articles in French for different levels and my plan is to take time during the day to fight my way through some texts and write down some words. It also comes with some listening practice and some book with exercises. This way I can disconnect, learn some stuff, use my hand for good, (or bad because I will be complaining a lot in French once I'm fluent), and just have fun. I do not really do this as regularly as I would like to, but that is a story for another blogpost.

So yes, if you have read everything until now, you literally just read a post about me talking about the most basic thing as if it's one of the worst inconveniences and something out of this world. Congrats! You could have cleaned up, watered those plans or done something better with your time, like learning how to read an analog clock. Yes, and yes... I am embarrassed. 

Urlaub auf Balkonien

Greetings from Balconia!

Today is Monday and I have a day off because it is a public holiday in Germany. Since I had not planned on going anywhere on my three-day weekend, I started thinking about what to do at home. It was going to rain, and it did most of the time. On Saturday I was going to babysit my parents' dog because my mom and her partner were going out for her birthday, which I was happy to hear about because they never go out anywhere.

I love being at home. I love having a day or two where all I can do is relax and enjoy being in the moment. I love waking up whenever I want to, making myself some breakfast and tea or coffee and just enjoying it on the balcony forgetting about time and responsibilities.  

That is usually the plan, but I have lived enough days as an adult to realize that my weekends are never this relaxing. I usually wake up earlier than I would on a work day, I try to sleep in some more and then once I am finally awake, I start thinking about all the things that need to be done. Since stores are closed on Sundays and public holidays, I panically worry about everything that I need to buy and cannot live one, or in this case, two days without. I also finally have the time to do more laundry, clean more, fix that thing, reorganize whatever closet or bake something or...or I could just enjoy my day and not worry too much about everything that needs to be done.

This made me think about what my days look like whenever I am traveling and staying at a hotel. I wake up and lounge around in bed for as long as I want to. At some point I get hungry and look up places to go have breakfast or lunch. I buy stuff, come back to the hotel, get out again, come back and take a nap and eventually go out again. There is nothing to worry about, there are no rules, time goes by and I am out there just living my life. So how can I live more like this during my weekends?

Urlaub auf Balkonien

To generalize, Germans are masters when it comes to vacation. They always plan things months, if not years, in advance and are gone for days or even weeks at a time multiple times a year. As a German, you must always have at least one vacation planned per year, but what does one do if they cannot go anywhere? That is when you get to spend your time off on the wonderful isles of Balconia where everything is as affordable as your rent is and as expensive as you want it to be.

The title of this post translates to "vacation on Balconia". The use of "auf" (meaning on) instead of "in" makes it sound like Balconia is some island or some resort where it is always sunny, hot and all you do is treat yourself by the pool, just like you would on a real all-inclusive vacation.

I have honestly never been a fan of just relaxing by the beach. I do love swimming and could spend half a day just swimming and floating around, but I would eventually get bored and want to do something. However, what I do miss on my weekends is that worry-free feeling I get whenever I do not have an entire day figured out. It is okay if I only have chips or cake for dinner, I am on vacation after all. It is okay if I just sleep all day and then go out drinking, I am on vacation after all. It is okay if I only do one or two things, I am on vacation after all.  "I am on vacation after all" became my mantra for the next few days.

On Friday, I turned off my computer when I was done with work, checked my phone for a bit and then just sat on the balcony. I just sat there for a while either reading a book or listening to a podcast while drinking tea and eating cookies. Once it got dark and a little cold, I decided to have some "self-care time" and I trimmed my beard and showered for like 30 minutes instead of 10. I did find myself rushing through my shower, but I stopped and reminded myself that "I am on vacation after all". 

On Saturday, my partner and I successfully decided on what we wanted to cook for dinner for the next days, so we went and bought whatever we needed for it. Later that day, I tried to make some Turkish gözleme, and whenever I bake, no matter how well I prepare things in advance, it gets messy. My parents were kind enough to bring us dinner when they were done with their trip, so we did not have to cook. Unfortunately, most of my Saturday did feel as hectic and rushed as usual. I was not on vacation after all.

On Sunday, my partner made me French toast for breakfast which was absolutely amazing. I actually sat on the balcony with the plate in my hand just enjoying it. After the third smaller slice, I did have to get up and try to dilute the sugar in my blood with some water. I know Sunday was yesterday, but I swear I cannot remember else I did. I know I read a litte bit from the book I am currently reading (Enough is enuf by Gabe Henry), watched some youtube, washed and dried some laundry or rather had the machines do that for me. Was I on vacation after all? Maybe.

Today, I actually did not sleep very well and woke up with a headache. I took some ibuprofen because I feel I may be coming down with a cold. I baked some croissants - don't get too excited, it was that dough from a can and explodes in your hand when you open it -, and had those for breakfast. I have just been chitchatting with some friends while listening to music. I suppose what I have in store for today is folding some of yesterday's laundry while listening to a podcast, doing lots of reading on the balcony and ending the day by watching some Schitt's Creek with my boyfriend. It is a public holiday after all.

Remembering basic things

 Hi!

Another Sunday, another internal pressure to post something! Even though currently I am not thinking about this because I have been busy becoming more stable on my bike, there is something that I have had on my mind and wanted to write about.

I was born in 1994 in Romania and spent all of my childhood and teenage life there. From what I remember life was pretty simple back then. Most people would get their milk and other dairy products from the market or from the "milk man" that everyone knew and trusted. The market is still real, but I don't know how good it is still is. Most people went to the corner shops across the street for their groceries where one would simply wait in line, tell the clerk through a small window what they wanted and then pay in cash and leave. In most shops, however, you would be able to walk in and look at what you want before waiting in line and telling the employee to get you what you want. I still remember this corner building by my apartment.

There were three shops: two shops that could probably fit 4 customers inside at a time where I would buy bread and milk, soda and candy. For some reason we never bought cold cuts and meat from there, but we did go to other corner stores where that is all we bought. Then there was another shop where there was no inside. Well, the woman working there was inside and you would be outside separated by a table and a big scale. The woman was selling vegetables and fruits. 

She would write down everything I asked for on a piece of paper and calculate it all in her head before telling me the final price. She would double check it with her calculator sometimes, but I think she was trying to keep her mind fit by also doing it in her head. I remember waiting in line, sometimes in the rain, no phone to distract me, getting the groceries, making some small talk, getting asked about my parents and other things. She knew me and my family and we knew her.

This is how people shopped until supermarkets showed up. I can genuinely still remember my mom talking about how much more practical a supermarket was because you could just grab your cart, walk around, take your time and then go to pay when you are ready without inconveniencing anyone who maybe wanted to buy just a thing or two and be out. At the little corner shops you would have to wait until the person in front of you was done with their shopping list. 

Another thing that I remember is bakeries. I have a distinct memory of visiting my grandma who lived in a pretty rough part of the city and how she would ask me to go buy some bread. I would go to the bakery in the neighborhood where people would still bake things from scratch. There was just an open window, a handwritten menu taped to it above the opening and a baker dressed all in white asking you what you wanted. In the back you would see crates of different types of goods that were going to get baked. These people actually started work super early and were probably already open by 5 am. 

I also remember a burger place by the tram station. I was very young and the owner already knew me because I would go there pretty often. You would just wait outside, order through the little opened window and then get your food to go. This one time they raised the prices, but since there was no way I could have known, the owner let me pay the old price.  It was such a wholesome experience even bumping into him years later after the shop closed down. 

I can't think of other examples right now, but I feel like back then we also had way more handmade things, whether it was food or a vase or even complete furniture pieces. Someone always knew someone who could do something for you. I sometimes think about how people used to live and work in the same house for generations, probably before industrialization happened. Working from home now and even being able to employ your entire family just does not happen anymore and when it does, it is a huge privilege for everyone. 

So yeah, what is life like now?

Now you go to stores and restaurants, where all you care about is the products. You put them in your cart, rush to the checkout, maybe make small talk with the cashier that you barely know and is too tired and underpaid to care and you go home. Honestly, sometimes it is nice to not be interrogated about your entire family when all you need is some bread, so I am not too sorry about that.

Now a homemade sweater that grandmas would have made for you and costs 500€ is fancy. It can be worse and cost like 50€ and be made by slaves somewhere in Asia because have you ever tried to make a sweater? That shit takes you months and good materials cost a fortune. 

One organic gmo-free, gluten free and grass fed banana for 10€ is fancy. Buying baked goods or food made by the hands of the owner that you can personally talk to, is fancy, expensive and a privilege.

Now even the internet without ads which includes youtube, news websites etc is a privilege that costs you money. I recently went on an official German dictionary website and thought I had accessed a scammy copy version of it because of the amount of ads. 

I just hate it how so many things that were just normal and common have been replaced by chains, ads and subscriptions while the real thing is only available to privileged people who are willing to pay the price for it. I have yet to find a bakery in my town that is not a chain and does not just heat up frozen stuff they get delivered. The last one I knew of here closed down and it was run by Turkish people. Maybe that is where I should look again... 

Anyway, let's hope this post goes viral once other normal shit that we have now becomes fancy and expensive, like owning music, software, movies or even the devices we use. 

See you