Stuck in your own patterns (clickbait? Dunno)

There is a thing that I have had on my mind for a while now. When I moved to Germany with my mom, we lived in the same household until I was 27 years old. I will be writing about what it was like to live with my parents in another post, but the reasons why I took so long to move out pretty much circle around finances, language barriers and navigating life in a new country not being something very easy, especially for my Romanian mom and later her partner too. 

My parents are quite simple people who don't really do much apart from working and stressing over everything. Living with them meant that I became just like them. I would freak out about every little thing, be anxious all the time and make fun of anything that was atypical of me. "Oh you are out there climbing mountains or crocheting? Pfff I would never do something like that! Just buy a blanket or go sit by a lake or something". To that now I say "who asked?" Why would I just discourage people from doing what they wanted just because I wouldn't do it? Why would I feel the need to justify my not doing the same thing another person does?

Unfortunately, life in Romania kind of was like this. I cannot really blame anyone for it. When everyone stresses out about everything, worries about what other people say and discourages you from change, you end up like this. There are obviously exceptions and not everyone cares or dislikes the same things, but you get the idea. If this sort of mindset has not died down on its own throughout generations, it is clear to me that it is something you can just be stuck in without realizing you don't have to live this way. 

Whenever I met my boyfriend, a lot of things changed. He was, and still is, a pretty chill person and would not stress over every little thing like I did. He cares about "worldly things" like art, fancy dinners, owning slightly more expensive things, looking good or just trying out something new. Don't get me wrong, he is not some posh bougie person who would scream and faint at the sight of fries, chicken nuggets and mini pizza bites from the freezer on our dinner table. We actually don't even have a dinner table. We eat at our desks and that was actually our dinner once as you can see; and yes it tasted as "good" as it looks, lol. Anyway, he just likes indulging in a little something sometimes or learning and experiencing new things.  

Eventually I learned to stress less and enjoy life more just because and without any excuse. There is a phrase that Germans use all the time to justify doing anything for themselves and that is "man gönnt sich ja sonst nie was". Literally translated this means "one does not grant themselves anything otherwise anyway". Who says German words are long now, huh? Anyway, a more suitable English translation would probably be "you rarely do something nice for yourself anyway", so you might as well do it now... and now... and now. 

The reason why I am mentioning all of this is because I feel like no matter how many videos I'd watched, books I'd read, reflected on a better life or interacted with people who live "better" or more enjoyable lives, I would have never gotten to this point in my life without an "external person" being around me daily and influencing me into this direction. 

This makes me wonder, what if I had never met my partner? What if I had met someone just like me or "worse"? What am I missing out on right now and what person do I need to come across next in order to experience it? Just to be clear, I am not talking about doing more of something or having more opportunities or money to do things because of one person, but actually going through a change in perspective, in your thought patterns, I suppose, pretty much becoming a different person than you are today.

Unfortunately, I have no idea what to do to have more eye opening experiences like these. I think we need consistent awkwardness, discomfort and anxiety in our lives this, but it is not easy. Any identity changes will be met with resistance from your peers and probably even from your subconscious. Consistency is definitely the key because you are also fighting against yourself and will eventually give up because "this new person is not me" or "I just cannot this! This would be so unpredictable of me to do!." In case of an external person, you kind of have no choice but to be influenced and you can sort of blame them for your change in behavior. You are doing something that is not typical of you because of this other person even if it is something you have always wanted to do. 

So yeah, I dunno. Always try out new things that you don't care about? Be the odd one out there? Make a list? Journal? Become hated or be a hater? Don't do anything and live your life the way it is now because it's pretty good the way it is anyway? No idea, but it's definitely something to think about...

Note: I think I have been writing and rewriting this post for like two hours now. LOL. The current post looks nothing like what it looked like an hour ago, so, I hope you have enjoyed every little l e t t e r because I have been meaning to go make myself a sandwich for an hour now and my tea is already cold because I forgot about it. If something does not make sense, too bad, I guess. My ass is WET from sitting here because it's 30C here and I don't have AC.